On March 9, 1983, I had my last drink and the following day attended my first meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous. Initially I thought, “I wouldn’t drink with these people, let alone sit around and be sober with them!” I also feared becoming part of a cult. “Why,” I wondered, “were they all so glad to see me? They don’t even know me!” My fear-based, brain-damaged thinking screamed that it was because they were attempting to control my mind - the one thing I feared most of all – not that I had much of one left to control at that point. Nevertheless, I stopped going to meetings and white-knuckled it (a term AA’s use to describe a drunk who’s not drinking but has no program) for three months. Finally, deciding that anything (even mind control) was better than suffering in isolation, I came back to meetings. The rest is history.
A word about my relapse. In 1996, after 13 years of recovery, I developed terrible back pain. No one could tell me what caused it or how to cure it. I went to neurologists, neurosurgeons, orthopedic surgeons, acupuncturists, chiropractors and physical therapists. I spent thousands of dollars on these “experts” in hopes I wouldn’t have to resort to pain killers. Finally, in 1999, after, no results and increased agony, I was ready to kill either myself or the pain. A rheumatologist told me about a new “miracle drug.” It was a timed tablet – only 10mg in the morning and 10 mg at night and my pain would disappear. Without hesitation, I took that pill. That was all I had to do because that pill then took another and that pill took two more and…you get the picture. “That Pill” was Oxycontin, and after 16 years of sobriety, I was addicted all over again.
The question is, why and how? How could someone with that much sobriety relapse so easily? First of all, it’s not like it happened overnight. Second of all, there were plenty of red flags waving right in front of my face which I chose to ignore. For example, by 1995 I had long since stopped going to regular meetings and only attended the ones at which I had been asked to speak. I was a hell of a speaker – a real entertainer! I was as comfortable speaking to 2500 drunks at a national convention as I was to 5 detoxing newcomers at Exodus Recovery Center. The problem was it was all about me. I was their trained monkey and I reveled in it. Finally, I had fired my sponsor and my sponsees as I was much too busy for them. I set myself up for a fall – simple as that. Plus, I had no real spiritual program to begin with.
To make a long story shorter, I ended up in a detoxification unit where I finally found humility and my God of choice. Since then, there have been rough times to be sure, but I have gotten through them with the help and support of the rooms, principles, people and steps of Alcoholics Anonymous, along with the grace of my Higher Power. His will, not mine, be done.
My spirituality does the best thing it could ever to do for me and that is to keep me present. Through prayer, meditation and my conscious contact with God, I am able to mostly refrain from living in the past or the future. For one thing, any similarity between the way I remember my past exploits (“Now those were the days!”) and what actually happened, is purely coincidental. For another, pining for the future (“When I’m really successful, then, I’ll….!”) is a loser’s game for me. It keeps me from my present business. The way I figure, if I don’t live in the present, I don’t have a future – simple as that. As a result, at almost any time of the day, I can look down at my feet and say, “Feet, here you are, on the floor of (whatever), talking to (whomever) about (again, whatever). Are you content and satisfied with where you are, what you’re doing and, most important of all, do you like who you’re attached to?” Fact is, I can honestly say the answer to that question is yes to all nearly 100% of the time. That is the spiritual lens from which I operate.
As far as the “God Concept” goes, I myself was pretty much of an agnostic when I first came into the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous. Within a year I was referring to a “Higher Power.” I even forget what it was, although I think it was probably the fellowship itself. Within three years I was just calling it God and have ever since. My example is pretty typical in A.A., I think. Most people who stick with it, whether they started as agnostics or devout Catholics usually end up referring to God after that period of time, the reason being that if it ain’t broke don’t fix it.
It’s been said that religion is for those who have never been to Hell and spirituality is for those who have. Most people in A.A. have tasted the sulphurous flames and those who stay do so by maintaining a strong spiritual program. It keeps me centered and present and I express my gratitude and reaffirm my humility every day in order to preserve it.
So, A.A. isn’t so much a “God-centered” program as it’s a “Not-Me-centered program. It doesn’t matter to anyone in A.A. who or what your concept of God is – as long as it isn’t you.
Most alcoholics and addicts think it’s all about them and when they discover it isn’t, they close their minds and their ears to everything else. There are numerous slogans in A.A. that address this: “Take the cotton out of your ears and put it in your mouth”, “Listen and learn” and my favorite from back in the day, “Shut up, don’t drink!” Storytelling without cross talk forces those with “Terminal Me-ism” to listen to those who have been there and done that – successfully - and to understand that it’s not about those people either. It’s about what works – taking action by going into the solution, turning it over, getting out of the way, acceptance, humility and pause. I guess that also covers the slogans, except to for this one thing. Slogans are like trite sayings. If they weren’t true they wouldn’t be trite, nor would they survive for long as slogans. “Easy Does It’, “Keep Coming Back”, “You Can’t, We Can”, all express the essence of what the program is all about and that is one drunk (or addict) talking to another. We may all be different, but we have one thing in common, which brings me to my favorite slogan, “We’re all here because we’re not all there!”
As I mentioned before, my spiritual life keeps me centered and present and that’s extremely important because the absolute best thing I can do for myself, my son and those I care about and who care about me is to be present. Most of us AA’s have a habit of dwelling on the past or future way too much. I like to describe it as a radio going off in my head that’s totally out of my control. It turns on by itself, and goes off when, and if, it feels like it. Also, it only plays one station, KFUK, and it plays it REALLY LOUD. The only way I can control it is through a spiritual program, and even then it catches me off guard from time to time.
Like I said, for each person there is a different personality and that’s especially true in the program. Some I like a lot and others are complete nimrods. It’s a microcosm, just like any other community, but we’re all there because we give a rat’s behind about the rest of our lives. That’s the main thing that prevents anarchy within the rooms. Certainly there’s a lot of counter transference among A.A.’s members – and in this case, that’s a good thing. It compels us to think, reflect and consider. There are very few situations that lend themselves to this type of dynamic.
It goes without saying that I would (and do) refer clients to the program. As a matter of fact, I insist that every alcoholic and addict I see at least go and check it out for a minimum of 30 days. It’s not because I’m such a big fan, either. The reason is simple: In the last 50,000 or so years, human beings have been getting loaded. For at least that long they’ve been trying to quit whatever it was they eventually got strung out behind. To the best of my knowledge, in all that time, one thing and one thing only has ever proven even remotely successful at removing the compulsion to use and that came about a scant 76 years ago in Akron, Ohio between a fast-talking stockbroker and proctologist – both of them helpless, hopeless drunks. I believe in miracles and this one works if you work it.
There is no cure…but there is a solution!
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