What to Do If A Family Member Won't Go To Rehab

First of all, If you have to talk someone into going to rehab then it probably won’t work. It’s only when they finally say “I’m done….please tell me what to do,” that you know that they are ready.

Few things are more depressing and disturbing than witnessing someone you love willingly hand their life over to addiction. Whether it’s to alcohol, prescription medications like Oxycontin, Vicodin or Xanax or to street drugs like heroin, cocaine and methamphetamines, the long term damage is nearly the same. You know that drug rehab treatment is what they need, but getting them to go may feel like a futile endeavor.

Just because you want to scream out of sheer frustration as you marvel how anyone could be so self-destructive while wondering why they won’t get the help they so desperately need, consider this: A. They can’t feel much of anything anymore, and B. They are caught in the clutches of a disease that wants them dead and neutralizes all sense of reason at the same time.

It is important to recognize that their incessant use isn’t simply a choice on their part. The vast majority of addicts have tried to quit many times – only to pick it up repeatedly. Let’s face it; if an addiction was easy to overcome, most addicts – including your loved one – would have stopped long ago. Unfortunately, the process of becoming clean and staying sober is more complex than that. That’s why any effective program of rehabilitation – whether a 12 Step program by itself or a residential treatment center – is preferable to the status quo – if you can just get them there.

“So how do I do that?”, you say. “How on earth can I convey how much I care and how deeply concerned I am without putting them on the defense?” For years now I’ve watched this person’s life completely deteriorate and no matter how hard I’ve begged, cajoled and even tried to trick them, it’s all been to no avail. …"

First of all, understand and accept that the addict is the only one responsible for his or her addiction – NOT you. Even if you’ve enabled and fed in to their addictive behavior, it’s not your fault. More likely than not they even blamed you for their problem, but whatever you do, remember this: don’t blame yourself!

If you do, the familiar pattern of excuses, denial, and blame will pull you right back in, causing your efforts to fail once again. On top of that, anger, resentment, and a sense of utter hopelessness will interfere with your efforts. Keeping all this in mind, the only viable option at this point is an intervention.

An intervention involves bringing in a group of friends and family members in order to confront the addict. The goal is to break through the addict’s denial, get him or her to finally acknowledge the serious addiction problem, and agree that they need treatment. There are many professional interventionists out there if you choose to hire one. The better ones are trained and certified. Contact the Association of Intervention Specialists (http://www.associationofinterventionspecialists.org/) to locate one in your area. Their fees range from $2500 to $10,000 plus expenses.

If you choose to try it yourself, you must go into it with a clear plan. First, select a program in advance and make sure it’s is a good fit for the addict. Check with the treatment facility to ensure that there’s an opening available. This is important because if the addict agrees to get help, they can be admitted immediately following the intervention.

Another important aspect is to make sure that the people who attend are individuals whom the addict respects and trusts. An intervention can quickly backfire if there’s anyone there who has a lot of anger or other negative feelings towards the addict. This means that if some family members are resentful or are initially unwilling, it’s a bad idea to try and cajole them into participating. Speaking of which, it’s also crucial that every person who participates in the intervention is completely on board with the game plan. They can easily undermine the process and antagonize the addict, which is exactly what you don’t want to happen.

Avoid hurtful comments, playing the blame game or arguing. The atmosphere and mood should be one of genuine caring and concern. The addict has already experienced a lot of guilt, shame, hurt and anger. Be gentle, but straightforward and firm.

Timing is also very important. Morning is generally preferable, while they still have a hangover and/or haven’t had the opportunity to “get well” yet. If there has been a significant upheaval in the addict’s life that’s a direct result of their drinking and using (a relationship breakup or job loss), these events can serve as wake-up calls that it’s time to make a change. They may be more receptive to the intervention and open to treatment under these types of circumstances.

This is also your opportunity to let the addict know that you will no longer cosign the addict’s behavior; that despite the love and concern you have for them, they need to accept this “gift” or you must move away from them. You need to make it crystal clear that none of you will provide any type of help or support, in the form of money, transportation, a place to stay – until he or she agrees to get help. Sometimes this is the turning point that will change the addict’s mind – if not during the intervention then soon after when they ultimately realize how serious you are. This is historically the hardest part for most people, but unless this is done, the pattern will never change.

Naturally, there are no guarantees. This is serious business and people die from it every day. As stated in The Big Book Of Alcoholics Anonymous: “Science may someday find a cure, but it hasn’t done so yet.”